Some things were sent to try us. In fact, the most things were sent to try us. Dixon casts an eye over a few of them.
Today we delve into the “What Really Annoys Me” file or, as a colleague prefers to describe it: the “Shit List”. I could write about the state of the industry or the latest noises coming out of Canberra – where Bill Shorten has taken the reins – but to be blunt, it would only bore you, and make me cranky.
No, what we need is an opportunity to rail pointlessly and with joyous futility against those things and those people that really get up our noses.
If you agree or disagree with any of these things, or if you have something you’d like to add to the list, you can send an e-mail to info@conexusfinancial.com.au – I won’t read it, because I don’t care, but the guy whose job it is to read those e-mails will have to. And it might make you feel better – that’s what we’re about today.
So, the Shit List it is:
1. People who say something is “seven times less” or “10 times less” (or some other “times less”) than something else. As in: “The public values financial advice at $300, ten times less than it costs to deliver that advice.”
What they mean is, it is one-tenth of what it costs to deliver it, not ten times less. Say the cost of advice is $3000. One times $3000 is $3000. And 10 times $3000 is $30,000. I’m not a genius, but I know $300 isn’t $30,000 less than $3000.
2. People who stick the suffix “-gate” on the end of a word, to suggest a scandal or cover-up. Stupid, stupid, stupid. We know the convention arises from the name given to the so-called Watergate scandal that brought US President Richard Nixon down; but that’s only because a break-in occurred at a building that happened to be called the Watergate building.
Nixon was deposed as president because he was a crook and a liar. But every time you stick “-gate” on the end of something, you’re actually telling us you think Nixon was taken down by water. Also, that you’re an idiot.
3. That weathergirl on the Today Show on Channel Nine. It’s early. Stop shouting at me.
4. That weatherman on the Today Show on Channel Nine. It’s early. Stop shouting at me.
(For quality weather forecasting, see the ABC’s Graham Creed. Class.)
5. Helicopter managers. You know the kind: You can hear them coming from some distance off. They get louder as they get nearer; they hover over the top of everything and create havoc – lots of hot air and noise – and then they disappear, leaving us to clear up the mess.
There’s one in every office; if you don’t know who it is in your office, it’s you.
6. Collingwood (the AFL team, not the suburb). Ferrari (the Formula 1 team). Manchester (United, the football team, not the city). Nothing more really need be said.
7. Anyone who makes a living out of how they happen to look, rather than what they can do or what they have learned. Yes, I’m talking about you, Naomi. And you, Jennifer. And … no, the list is too long. Truly, what is there to respect about an ability to walk in a roughly straight line and to (for the most part) keep your clothes on?
Jerry Seinfeld summed it up best: “What is this goofy walk that all the models do? You know that walk? Down the runway, like they really have to go somewhere. You know how they’re all wiggly, all full of importance and attitude. And when they get to the end and they look around and go, ‘Well, I guess I’ll just go back’.”
8. People who express distance as time. As in: “How far is it to where the kids play tennis?” And the answer is, “About 50 minutes”. This happened just the other day. Turns out that in their case they live in the country and 50 minutes equals 70km. In my case 50 minutes equals 10km.
Boffins say Einstein proved that time and distance are interchangeable; and he liked to prove this by turning up to business meetings five kilometres late.
9. Referring to some hapless starlet on the fast-track to rehab, or to a sportsman who couldn’t keep it in his pants, as being at “the eye of the storm”. What they mean to convey by this is that the over-indulged, under-disciplined individual in question is at the centre of a controversy, generally involving some sort of recreational substance abuse or a recreational person.
In fact, the eye of a storm – especially of a cyclone or a hurricane – is a place of almost preternatural peace and calm. Typically, there’s not a cloud in the sky. There’s no rain, and there’s certainly no wind. That’s what the “eye” of a storm is. It’s quite different from, say, the “teeth” of a storm – being there really is as bad as it sounds.
10. Running out of space to finish mak
Dixon Bainbridge, Professional Planner’s resident curmudgeon, can be contacted on info@conexusfinancial.com.au
