A recent poll apparently found that one fifth of Americans can’t locate the United States on a map of the world. I’m not sure who did the poll, or why, and so I cannot vouch for its authenticity. But if it’s true, it’s a startling finding.
Who better to turn to for an explanation than one of the greatest minds of our time, Miss Teen South Carolina (2007), then-18-year-old Caitlin Upton. Upton started out well, even demonstrating a neat sense of humour.
“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so, because, uh, some people out there, in our nation don’t have maps,” she said.
But then it took a turn for the worse: “And uh…I believe that our education like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as…and, I believe they should, uh, our education over here, in the US should help the US or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”
Got that? Good. To see this train wreck unfold in its full, fascinating glory, check the clip on You Tube.
I’ve never had to answer a question on national TV, in front of a presumed audience of millions, and I’m as capable as jumping to a conclusion about an entire nation from a single specimen of its citizenry as the next guy. So when Upton later explained that she’d simply frozen, I was quite prepared to accept that.
Turns out Upton is really an intelligent and ac complished young woman. “I really believe in facing up to your mistakes, learning from them, and mov ing on,” she has said, since finding You Tube infamy. And that’s a commendable sentiment.
But I could not help wondering, for a moment at least, whether we’d been granted a small insight into the root of some of the problems the world currently faces. I mean, at some point in her future, Miss South Carolina, and millions of other “US Americans”, in fact, are going to have to do things like buy their own homes (that is, unless she takes the other option available to her and marries an aged, infirm and incredibly rich old man), set aside something to provide for their retirement, put their kids through school (or college), and so on.
That means they’re going to have to deal with mortgage brokers, bankers, financial planners, advisers and other financial types, not all of whom are squeaky-clean, and some of whom are actively looking for people to take advantage of. All teens, of all genders and in all countries, are potential victims, surely, if they a) cannot locate their own country on a map of the world, and b) can’t string together more than two sentences of coherent, intelligible English?
How are they supposed to read and understand the terms and conditions of a complex financial product document, if the intermediary isn’t inclined to be helpful, or even honest? You can’t afford to service the mortgage to buy that little sh… shoebox of a house … hmmm, I don’t think I’ll mention that. Sign here, please. Where’s my commission cheque?
Or, let’s borrow against the equity in your home. Pump the money into shares – they always go up. Market rises, borrow more. Look, I can turn $200,000 in to $14 million. Sign here please.
Risk? Don’t worry. Where’s my commission cheque?
But the suspicion lingers that in fact, a significant part of the global population remains ill-equipped to deal with the more complicated aspects of modern life, particularly investment and finance. I mean, when an otherwise intelligent teenager I know says, in all seriousness, that heir-head Paris Hilton is a role model, what hope is there?
Well, after some time mulling these thoughts, and alternating between depression and despair, it suddenly occurred to me that it’s not all bad. As long as the world is populated by people who need guidance and advice – honest guidance and advice, I should say – then we’ll all stay in work. So that’s good, isn’t it?
And if Upton or Hilton walked through my door, I doubt I’d turn either one down as a client.
